


kiss my chapped lips and call me yours

by sunshineforthesoul



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Acceptance, Coming Out, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Feelings Realization, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mild Blood, Mutual Pining, but more like perceived enemies, dex is just an idiot, they're not actually enemies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:48:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23953333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshineforthesoul/pseuds/sunshineforthesoul
Summary: Dex prefers things that are easy, simple, and straightforward.Nursey is none of those things.
Relationships: Derek "Nursey" Nurse/William "Dex" Poindexter
Comments: 56
Kudos: 312





	kiss my chapped lips and call me yours

**Author's Note:**

> wow, a fic with a title that i thought of myself and doesn’t come from a song/poem??? i bet you thought you’d never live to see the day. there’s a little bit of canon divergence in here but nothing major enough that i feel the need to put it in the tags. 
> 
> this work is dedicated to one resident dumbass william j. poindexter whom i love with all my heart.
> 
> just wanted to throw in a **warning** that dex has a bad habit of picking at the skin on his lip and sometimes it causes him to bleed. also **mild vomit warning:** if you wish to skip that scene, it starts around “They return to the Haus and Dex excuses himself...” and ends at the next line break
> 
> check, please! and its characters belong to ngozi

In an ideal world, everything could be sorted into categories, packed cleanly into labeled boxes, and sorted in a neat, orderly fashion. 

Dex understands that that’s not how life works. It can’t and it shouldn’t be but God, it would be nice, wouldn’t it? He needs organization and routine, because sometimes he feels like it’s the only thing keeping him from spiraling out of control. 

He likes the cut of sharp lines that clearly define boundaries. They say, _this is where one thing ends and another thing starts._ They say, _this is the shape of this thing, this is what it looks like, this is what it is._ It’s comforting to know something won’t just up and disappear or change one day without warning.

There are things Dex knows for sure.

He is from Maine. He has a knack for fixing things. He’s good with computers. He has a scar on his left elbow from falling out of a tree when he was younger. 

Then there are things that he thinks, but these get a little blurrier, the once crisp lines now more suggestions than any real borders.

Grandpa John doesn’t smoke anymore, even though Dex is pretty sure he saw him sneaking outside last Christmas to smoke in the backyard. It is unusual for a man to be in love with another man, or a woman to be in love with another woman (at least according to Grandma Eve and Uncle Paul). He has never felt anything for a girl other than wanting to be friends. 

The last one he carries around, tucked into a secret back corner that he doesn’t shine any light on, terrified of what he might find. He keeps it pushed just beyond his periphery where he doesn’t have to acknowledge it, but it’s never too far out of reach. It turns his stomach into a pit when Grandma Barbara makes offhand comments about when Dex will finally bring home a girl for Thanksgiving, or when the hockey team watches a romcom and the male and female lead realize their feelings for each other. It reminds him that a part of him didn’t come out the way it was supposed to, that a piece of him doesn’t slot snugly into the rest of the compartments of his life. It’s a bump that cannot be smoothed out, no matter how much Dex stomps down on it. 

Either his parents don’t care or they haven’t noticed, because they’ve never asked him about it. They’re busy raising Dex’s younger siblings though, so it’s not surprising to him that the details of his love life never came up. Even so, anytime he thinks too hard about it, his insides twist and bile burns the back of his throat. 

So he does what any reasonable person would do when faced with a fundamental part of themselves they hate. 

He forgets about it. He refuses to give it an inch, for fear it’ll take off. He abandons it because it’s better that way. Cleaner. Unnecessary parts are to be discarded to increase efficiency of operation.

His plan would work perfectly if it weren’t for one major chip in his armor — a six foot English major with a dazzling smile and the grace of a newborn deer.

Dex prefers things that are easy, simple, and straightforward.

Nursey is none of those things.

  


__

* * *

  


Dex is sure Nursey exists purely to contradict him. His whole “chill” shit irritates Dex more than he thought was humanly possible. Nursey is a meanderer, sauntering through life like everything’s no big deal. He doesn’t seem to mind his surroundings, leading to a lot of very easily preventable incidents. 

Dex watches Nursey stumble and thinks if he had been paying attention, he would’ve noticed the uneven sidewalk. He hates that Nursey wears his new shoes in the Haus because they stick to the floor and he’s already tripped three times this week. And if Nursey would set alarms or any kind of reminders at all, he wouldn’t forget about his mandatory study group and show up ten minutes late every week. 

It doesn’t make sense to Dex at all. How many times will Nursey leave the Haus without a jacket before realizing it’s too chilly to not have one before he starts checking the weather forecast on days that aren’t obviously hot or cold? How many times is he gonna try to power through a cold and end up in bed with the flu?

There are so many things Nursey could do to tidy up his life, keep the loose ends from getting tangled, and they’re right there in front of his face, practically screaming his name.

He tells Nursey this much the fifth time he leaves the Haus in a rush, knowing full well he won’t make it to his study group on time.

“Aww, didn’t know you cared so much about me Poindexter,” Nursey says with a grin, pulling off his shoes and tossing them into the pile by the front door.

“No— I don’t,” Dex insists. “I just. I don’t understand why you let these things repeat themselves when they’re so easily fixable.”

“Not everything in my life needs to fit perfectly together like a puzzle.”

“It’s not about— I mean, don’t these things stress you out?”

“No, because I don’t walk around with a huge stick up my ass all the time.”

“I don’t know if this occurred to you, but it’s rude to waste other people’s time.”

Nursey drops onto the couch, much closer to Dex than necessary, even though he’s the only other person there and there’s plenty of room further down. “Look, there’s a guy in my group that’s a major asshole, and if I can go ten minutes less without having to interact with him, then I would consider that ten minutes to be treasured.” He lets his backpack fall on the floor near his feet.

“Oh.” Dex picks at his lips, ignoring the stab of pain as he pulls at the cracked skin. “That sucks.”

“It’s chill.” Nursey waves his hand flippantly. “I’ve dealt with plenty of assholes like him before.”

“You shouldn’t have to though.” Dex doesn’t know why he’s this bothered by the idea of Nursey getting harassed by some nameless, faceless douchebag. 

Nursey glances sideways, the corner of his mouth quirking up into a lopsided grin. “What’s it to you, huh?”

Heat creeps up Dex’s neck. “Nothing. I.” He stares ahead at the TV. “What’s this guy do anyways?”

“Well, we’re analyzing a lot of old literature from around the world and it is _filled_ with homoerotic undertones, right?”

“Uh huh,” Dex says, as if he knows anything about literature.

“And this guy gets really uncomfortable anytime I bring it up. So, naturally it’s all I talk about.”

“Oh.” Dex waits, knowing that by asking, he basically invited Nursey to vent about it. 

“Okay, and it’s like, _I’m_ not even the one that’s _wrong.”_ Nursey shifts forward, diving into a whole rant about his grievances with his classmate, all while digging through his backpack.

Despite not understanding most of what Nursey says, especially when he starts talking about the actual content of the things they’re studying, Dex is absorbed by the quality and the cadence of his voice, the way it rises and falls, the urgency of his tone. He delivers certain words with different force, and it’s hard not to feel the frustration he’s feeling. 

“Anyways, sorry.”

“Huh?”

“For ranting like that. It’s not— I don’t like to be like that.”

Dex shrugs. “It’s good to get it out here rather than elsewhere, right?”

“I suppose.” Nursey nudges Dex’s arm with his elbow. “What’ve you been up to?”

“Fixing the dishwasher.”

“It’s not done yet, is it.”

“How’d you know?” Dex sputters.

“You always get in a shitty mood whenever you have an unfinished project and then because you’re stuck, you look for other projects, namely micromanaging me.” Nursey sinks back into the couch, crossing his arms. “Don’t you remember when the heater broke and you got frustrated and took it upon yourself to make a color coded spreadsheet of every Shakespeare play I’ve read ranked by my favorite to least favorite edition?”

Dex vaguely remembers this, but due to being under high emotional distress, he can’t say he was completely in control of his actions. “I did not.” 

“You totally did. You even added little notes about why I didn’t like a certain copy.” Nursey relaxes his arms. “I can’t find it right now, but I know I still have it somewhere.”

“I…”

“It was one of the nicer things you’ve done while stressed out. Usually it’s just you scolding me and telling me to get my shit together.” Nursey flips his book open, thumbing through the pages until he reaches the one folded over. “You’d think me getting sick was a personal attack on you.”

“Well, you should take better care of yourself,” Dex grumbles. He catches sight of Nursey’s loopy scrawl in the margins and words or phrases that are underlined, sometimes two or three times.

“Why would I when I have you to take care of me and remind me of my stupidity?” Nursey flutters his eyelashes at Dex.

Dex rolls his eyes. His mouth stings and he registers that he’s been picking at his lips again. “You’re ridiculous,” he says, tucking his hands underneath his thighs. 

“I know you are but what am I?” Nursey smirks.

“I’m not doing this with you right now.” Dex peels himself off the couch. “I’m gonna try to finish the dishwasher.”

“Good luck Dexy,” Nursey sings after him. 

An hour or two later, Dex emerges victorious. He walks into the living room to share the news with Nursey to discover him fast asleep on the couch, book propped open on his chest.

Dex stands in the threshold for a moment, before it dawns on him that it’s weird to watch your friend sleep, no matter how peaceful they look. He picks up the remote and turns the TV off. He lays the book on the coffee table, face down, and unfolds the blanket on the back of the couch, covering Nursey up to where his neck meets his chest.

Then he takes his leave, struggling to calm the uneasiness in his gut.

  


__

* * *

  


“Hey,” Nursey whispers from across the table. “Dex.”

They’re in the library and they’re _supposed_ to be doing homework, because midterms are approaching and Nursey invited Dex to study with him. Dex is working on an assignment for his Algorithms class, and he’s pretty sure Nursey has some kind of literary essay to write, but he’s ditched it to resume his regularly scheduled Bothering Dex. 

“Psst,” Nursey whispers, a little louder. 

Dex pretends not to hear him. A crumpled up piece of paper sails over his shoulder. “What the—” Another crumpled ball of paper hits his forehead when he lifts his head. “What the fuck?”

“Shh!” a student at an adjacent table hisses.

Dex glares at Nursey. “What do you want?” 

“What’s your ideal date?”

Dex’s mouth drops open and he searches Nursey’s face to determine if he’s joking. “Did you seriously fucking interrupt me to ask me _that?”_

“Yes.” Nursey nudges Dex’s shin with his foot. “It’s important.”

“Why?”

“Because I’ve been staring at a word doc for like an hour and a half and I can’t close my eyes without seeing my annotated bibliography.”

Dex sighs. “Do you wanna go back to the Haus?”

Nursey leans back in his seat. “Are you done working?”

Dex glances at his computer screen. “I can be,” he says, saving his work. “C’mon, before someone here finds another reason to hate the hockey team.”

“So. Your perfect date,” Nursey states the second they’re out of the library.

“I don’t know,” Dex huffs in exasperation. “Like, if I was taking someone on a date?”

“Yeah.”

“Uhh. I dunno. Something low key like, the arcade or something.”

“Cute. Gonna win her a cheap stuffed animal from the claw machine Dexy?”

Dex’s tongue sits heavily in his mouth. “Who?”

“Your hypothetical date.”

“Oh.” A sick feeling brews in his gut. “I guess.” Warning labels flash in his mind telling him if they don’t divert from their current course, his lunch is going to end up on the sidewalk. “What about you?”

“Easy.” 

Dex turns his head sideways so he can watch Nursey as he launches into a long-winded, detailed itinerary of what he claims is the perfect date, down to what the weather would be. Nursey’s an animated speaker, using his hands to aid in his explanation and every movement draws Dex deeper into this thoroughly crafted visualization. 

People think that Nursey’s hard to read, and while that’s true when it comes to his facial expressions, he’s really not that difficult to pick apart if you pay attention to the rest of his body. Dex can tell Nursey’s put a lot — like an embarrassing amount — of thought into this by the amount of space his hands take up as he gestures and the brightness in his eyes. 

“Pretty great, huh?” Nursey smirks.

“What if it was raining?”

Nursey raises his eyebrows. “What do you think I am, an amateur?” he scoffs, launching into another elaborate, alternative date. 

Although autumn has chilled the temperature of the air, the sun still shines high in the sky. Nursey’s skin glows, especially on the top of his cheekbones, meaning he’s been on a skincare kick that’s even more complicated than his normal routine. 

Dex imagines the scenes Nursey’s painting with his words, and it’s not until Nursey’s mostly through the second one that he realizes he’d been picturing _himself_ in these scenarios. The nauseous feeling threatens to reappear and he shakes his head to clear away his thoughts. 

“So uh, have you actually taken anybody on one of these so-called quintessential dates?” Dex asks. 

Nursey pauses, ducking his head. “No,” he admits. “But I’d like to.”

“Sounds like it’d be a lot of fun,” Dex says simply. “I’m sure you’d sweep whoever the guy in this scenario is off his feet.”

“Yeah.” Nursey looks directly ahead of them. “It’s too bad all my romance is wasted on a straight guy.”

His tone is breezy, but his body language suggests he’s anything but. His shoulders curl forward and there’s a definite anxiousness in the press of his lips.

Dex is about to change the subject when he notices Nursey’s about to trip over the same uneven sidewalk he always does, and reaches out to grab his arm without thinking.

“Careful,” he says.

Nursey blinks at him, surprised. “Thanks.”

They stare at each other for a beat too long before Dex realizes he’s still holding onto Nursey’s arm. He lets go like he’d been holding a hot iron and scratches behind his ear. 

“Uh, yeah,” he mutters, cursing the flush he feels in his face. “No problem.” 

They return to the Haus, and Dex excuses himself to the bathroom. He clutches the sink with both hands and stares at his reflection, shaky and pale. 

_I’m not— I can’t._ He coughs, abdomen contracting, and vomits in the sink. Not much comes up, mostly bile and saliva. 

He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and turns the hot water on, watching the contents of the sink swirl down the drain. Then he sticks his hands under the scalding water and scrubs and scrubs.

  


__

* * *

  


“Bro, that girl was trying so hard to get in your pants,” Nursey says, when they’re upstairs in his room. Downstairs, the kegster still rages full force, but both Dex and Nursey had gotten tired of the headache-inducing level of noise and claustrophobic atmosphere of a room packed with too many bodies, and retreated upstairs to hang out alone.

“Huh?” Dex subconsciously tucks his legs up closer to his body.

“Did you seriously not notice? I thought she was gonna try and jump you right there in the kitchen.”

Dex sinks further into Nursey’s pillow, inhaling the scent of clean sheets and Nursey mixed together. Something about it reminds Dex of home. It’s comforting, in an inexplicable way. 

Nursey straddles his desk chair, arms stacked on the back of it. “Dude.”

 _“What?”_ Dex snaps, tearing his eyes away from his phone. 

_Of course_ he’d noticed the girl from the tennis team coming onto him. He would’ve had to have been blind and deaf to not notice. But he doesn’t want to think about it, about the pit that had opened up in his stomach, about the thorns in his throat as he’d frantically concocted an excuse as to why he couldn’t leave with her, and when he’d dodged her advances by fleeing to Nursey’s room. 

“Chill bro. If you didn’t want to sleep with her, that’s not a big deal.” Dex’s face must involuntarily display his discomfort and disgust, because Nursey cocks his head. “What, did you not like her or something?”

“I mean yeah? I dunno,” Dex mumbles. “It’s not just her.”

“What do you mean?”

Dex’s heart beats in his throat, and he can’t look at Nursey when he says, “The thought of kissing a girl kinda makes me sick.”

Nursey studies him with an unreadable expression.

“What?” Dex says, already prickling with defensiveness. 

“Have you ever considered that maybe you aren’t interested in girls?” 

Dex’s ears burn and a familiar nauseating feeling constricts his throat, cutting off his airway. He narrows his eyes at Nursey. “What’re you trying to say?”

Nursey bites his bottom lip, his gaze flickering to the wall and back to him. He’s so _patient_ though, so much _better_ than Dex deserves.

“Well,” he says slowly. “Do you think that there’s a possibility that you might be… gay?”

Dex’s eyes widen and the blood drains from his face. “I…” His voice shakes and then dies in his throat. He drops his head, burying his face in his hands.

The short answer is yes, he has. 

It’s kept him awake at night, burrowed itself right into his heart and staked its claim where it stood. 

He’s thought about it ever since he first heard a kid call another kid gay in third grade and he went home and asked his mother what it meant. She’d quietly explained it to him and told him that it wasn’t okay to say that to another person and that he’d better not be going around talking like that. He’d thought about it when his friends started teasing girls and asking them out and the idea didn’t sit cozily in his mind. He’d thought about it the first time a girl told him she liked him and it made him so uncomfortable he’d ran away and nearly fainted during school.

These memories along with numerous others — family gatherings, high school parties, sitting in locker rooms back at home — flood back, and everything he’s enclosed in shame and anger and bitterness finally bursts through the barriers. 

“Fuck,” he hears Nursey hiss, but it’s smothered by the pressure building in his head and his heart plummeting in his chest.

“Hey,” Nursey says softly, getting up from his chair. “It’s okay. You don’t have to be afraid.”

“Yes I do. I can’t—” Dex chokes on a sob. “I don’t want to be like this.”

The bed dips under Nursey’s knees when he climbs up, reaching out to place his hand on Dex’s knee. “Dex. Look at me.”

Dex shakes his head, hands still covering his face.

“Dex.”

“I can’t.”

“Yes you can.” Nursey’s tone shifts from directive to pleading. “Look at me.”

Dex’s hands tremble as he lowers them little by little. Nursey is sitting on his heels in front of him, knees on either side of Dex’s legs. His eyes are locked onto Dex’s. Dex wipes his nose on the back of his hand, and stares back at Nursey, almost defiantly. He’s positive his face is a blotchy mess and his cheeks are moist with tears.

“Dex, listen to me,” Nursey orders. “Are you listening?”

Dex nods.

“There is nothing wrong with you,” he says carefully, enunciating every word. “There is no part of you that is broken, or that needs to be fixed. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Do you understand me?”

Dex nods again.

“You are my best friend and I speak for everyone on this team when I say I’m here for you.” Nursey’s face hardens. “If anyone gives you shit about it, you come talk to us. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Nursey’s shoulders droop and he hangs his head. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For assuming you were straight when we were talking about dates.”

“Oh.” Dex sits up. “I know you didn’t mean anything by it.” He recalls the conversation though, and remembers something else Nursey said.

_“It’s too bad all my romance is wasted on a straight guy.”_

It’s stupid really — he literally doesn’t have _any_ other information about the guy Nursey’s hung up on — but even so, his brain decides to flag this detail as Worth Noting.

“Still,” Nursey says, drawing Dex out of his irrational inference. “I shouldn’t have… I shouldn’t have assumed.”

Dex bites his lip, peeling off the dead skin. “So… what do I do now?” he says, his mouth already tasting like blood.

“Nothing you don’t want to do.” Nursey’s mouth twitches into a frown. “Stop doing that.”

“Stop doing what?”

“Biting your lips. You’re bleeding again.”

Dex drums his fingers against the side of his leg. “Sorry.” He pushes himself up and slides off Nursey’s bed. “I’m gonna go to bed and hope that no one tries to come downstairs.”

“Okay.” Nursey’s watching him with another unreadable expression. “Sleep well.”

“You too.” He stops in the doorway. “Thank you. For this.”

Nursey nods. “I hope you learn to not reject this part of yourself. And, uh, let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.” He rubs the back of his neck. “Not just about this, but anything.”

“I will. Goodnight Nursey.”

“Night Dex.”

  


__

* * *

  


When Nursey gets back from class the next day, there’s a peach cobbler cooling on the counter. He tries to think if he’s done something nice for Bitty recently that would prompt him to make this. A slice has already been cut out, so he takes the liberty of cutting one for himself.

He sits at the table, eating and checking emails on his phone, praying that his partner has finished her half of the project, but evidently the bare minimum was too high of a bar for her to reach. 

Chowder walks by right as Nursey sets his phone down on the table with a groan.

“Everything alright?” Chowder asks, pausing in the doorway. 

“Group project,” Nursey replies, propping his chin in one hand.

“Ah, I see it didn’t take you long to dig in.” Chowder grins. “It’s good, isn’t it?”

“It’s _so_ good,” Nursey sighs. “Almost makes up for the badgering I’m gonna have to do to get a good grade on this project. Hey, by the way, do you know where Bitty is? I feel like I should thank him or something.”

Chowder furrows his brow. “Why?”

“He made this.” Nursey gestures at his plate with his fork. 

“No he didn’t.” Chowder shakes his head. “Dex did.”

Nursey nearly chokes. “ _Dex_ made this?”

“Yeah, before he left for class. You should’ve seen him. I only see that intensity in him when he’s on the ice.” Chowder snorts. “Or when you two are going at it.”

Nursey’s still processing the information that Dex not only apparently _bakes,_ but also baked his favorite dish? It has to mean something, right?

“Anyways, I gotta run,” Chowder continues. “I’m meeting up with Cait to help her with an assignment.”

“Have fun.”

“See ya.”

The front door swings open and shut. 

Nursey blinks down at his plate, at the partially eaten cobbler mushed into his fork. From what he knows about Dex, this wasn’t an accident or a coincidence. 

_Huh,_ he thinks. _I wonder what it means._

  


__

* * *

  


It gets incrementally easier with every person he comes out to. Chowder is the next person he tells after Nursey, followed by Bitty, and gradually the rest of his friends on the team.

They all respond with positivity and love and encouragement, and it makes Dex feel like he should’ve done this sooner, but he hadn’t even acknowledged it to himself until that night in Nursey’s room so he tries not to be too harsh on himself.

In general, he’s trying to be kinder to himself as per Nursey’s request, but he slips up sometimes. He’s getting better at recognizing when he’s falling into his old patterns of thought, and he turns to Nursey a lot more.

“Ugh, I’m sorry I keep bothering you about this,” he says, one night as they split a pint of Ben & Jerry’s in Nursey’s room. They’re crammed onto the bottom bunk, and Nursey alternates between smoking a joint and eating ice cream. Dex doesn’t even bother making a comment about how inefficient it is to do both at the same time. Focus on one, enjoy it, then move onto the other. 

“Don’t be,” Nursey says casually, exhaling smoke. “Think of it like this: For years you kept your sexuality locked away in the shadows and beat it down every time it got close to the light. Now, it’s like all of a sudden the cage is gone and the sun’s come out. Naturally it’s gonna be difficult. You’re not used to the light — maybe you even distrust it altogether. Be patient with yourself.”

Dex digests this, thinking about how much he loves when Nursey talks. He’s so smart and despite physically being a disaster most of the time, he’s always been a good speaker. It’s embedded in the way he carries himself, the confidence in his tone, the fluency of his thoughts as he translates them into words.

He’s also right, but although every person Dex has come out to has been nothing but supportive, there’s still a big question mark floating above his head. It chips away at him, piece by piece, breaking down the structures that are keeping him from collapsing, and no matter how many people here know, it doesn’t slow the gradual destruction happening every second. 

“I think...” Dex begins. “I think I wanna tell my parents.”

Nursey props himself up on his elbows. “Right now?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes.”

“Absolutely positive?”

“Yes.”

“Because you don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for—”

“Nursey,” Dex cuts him off because if he lets him keep going, eventually he’ll lose his nerve. “I’m gonna do it.”

“Okay,” Nursey says. “As long as you’re sure.”

“I... Can I stay with you while I do it?” There’s something that makes him feel bolder when he’s with Nursey, like he’s invincible, somehow. Maybe it’s Nursey’s confidence rubbing off on him. He’s convinced himself that even if this doesn’t end well, if he’s here beside Nursey, he’ll survive. 

Nursey’s expression softens. “Of course.” 

Dex holds out his spoon, which Nursey takes, and slips off his bed. He calls his mom, pacing around the room. His heart thuds like it’s falling down one enormous flight of stairs, but he suppresses his dread.

The phone rings a few times before she picks up. 

“Hello?”

“Hi Mom.”

“Will? Is everything okay? Are you alright?”

“Yeah. Everything’s fine.” His fingers start to tingle. “There’s something I want to tell you.”

“Oh?” She at least sounds like she’s in a good mood. It’s reassuring — whatever that means when you’re about to jump into an abyss with no way of knowing in advance what’s waiting for you at the bottom.

“Mom… I’m uh.” He glances once at Nursey, before taking the leap. “I’m gay.” 

He braces himself for the fury, the shock, the disappointment, the humiliation. He prepares for his feet to be swept from under him, to crash into the earth in a burning heap.

“Okay,” she says, as if he’d just told her Bitty had made another pie. “I still love you, if that’s what you were worried about.”

Dex lands on a bouncy castle, the big, colorful kind he’d always wanted at his birthday party. “Oh.”

“Sweetheart.” Shit, she sounds upset now. “Did you think I would be mad at you?”

“I… Maybe?”

“Oh, Will.” He voice wavers like she’s about to cry. “I’m so sorry that I made you feel like you couldn’t tell me.”

“No no!” Dex assures her. “I— Well, to be honest I kinda just figured it out myself.”

There’s a pause on the other end. It stretches for so long that Dex has to check to make sure she hasn’t hung up on him. “Mom?”

“Sorry. I’m still here, I just.” She inhales. “You didn’t know?”

“Well sorta. Not really. I don’t know.”

“There’s no rush for you to figure it out.”

“I’m sure now. It was just… weird and complicated. Long story.”

“Alright,” she says. Then, “I’m glad you told me.”

“I’m glad I told you too,” he replies. “Is Dad there?”

“He actually went to bed already, but if it’s okay with you I can tell him tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

“Will…” His mother hesitates. “We… Your father and I kinda... already knew.”

“Oh.”

“We didn’t want to push you. We figured you’d tell us when you were ready.” 

Dex almost laughs. All this goddamn worrying for nothing. He can’t believe that all of this could’ve been avoided if he hadn’t been so focused on jamming fragments into places they didn’t belong that he couldn’t step back and broaden his field of view. That this whole time there’d been people lingering outside with the right pieces, waiting to be let in.

“Will?”

“Yeah?”

“I wasn’t sure if you’d disconnected.”

“Nah.” He ceases his pacing and shifts his gaze to Nursey again. “I’ve gotta go.”

“Okay. I love you and I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks.” Dex feels tears welling up in his eyes, this time brought on by happy emotions. “I love you too.”

He hangs up and exhales loudly. His head is a helium-filled balloon, threatening to lift his whole body off the floor. 

“How’d it go?” Nursey asks.

Dex faces him. He opens his mouth to answer, but instead of words, laughter comes tumbling out in their place.

  


__

* * *

  


Dex enters the kitchen and comes to an abrupt halt when he takes in the mess that is their kitchen table.

There are papers _everywhere,_ books piled in the corner, and highlighters thrown across the table. At the head of the table, Nursey is flipping through one of his books, scribbling messy notes in the margins. He hadn’t reacted when Dex arrived and doesn’t seem to care that someone else is here. Dark circles reside under his eyes and his leg bounces up and down below the table and he’s doing that annoying thing where he doesn’t realize he’s clicking his pen nonstop. 

Honestly, he looks kinda terrible. 

Worry blossoms in Dex’s chest. They can’t have a repeat of their freshman year, where Nursey had gotten so sick he couldn’t get out of bed and he’d gone through like fifty boxes of tissues and at one point his fever had run so high Dex had rushed him to the campus clinic in a blind panic.

Dex reaches into the cabinets next to the window and pulls down one of Nursey’s mugs. Within a few minutes, he’s got a hot mug of tea steeping, and he sets it down carefully next to Nursey’s laptop.

The line between Nursey’s brow deepens, before he looks up. “Dex?”

“Hey. Uh. Is it alright if I bake in here while you work? I promise to be quiet.”

“Sure.” Nursey shakes his head, like he’s said something silly. “Of course you can. I’m just working on my notes for my final.”

“Have you been taking melatonin?”

Nursey sticks his nose further in his book.

“Nurse.”

“I can’t. I… Obviously I _want_ to sleep, but I have too much to do. I don’t have time.” Nursey tips his head back, aggravated. “I mean look at me. I’ve been neglecting my skincare and it shows.”

Dex doesn’t see what Nursey’s getting at, but he’s always thought Nursey’s been blessed with nice skin. It’s one of the things that’s so infuriating about him, along with his immaculately sculpted eyebrows, and his adorable lips, and his cheekbones and jawline that could shatter glass, and—

Dex derails this train of thought. It’s not Nursey’s skin blemishes (or lack thereof) that are his primary concern right now. “You’re going to get sick again.”

Nursey’s mouth shrinks. “I’ll be fine.” He clicks his pen, jotting something down, before sticking it between his teeth and typing furiously on his laptop. He removes the pen from his mouth and starts clicking it again. “It’s just until finals are over.”

After years of being friends with Nursey, Dex knows they’re not going to get anywhere if he keeps arguing. They’re unbearably similar in that they’re both extremely stubborn and love to climb hills they will die on.

“When finals are over, do you wanna chill and watch Planet Earth?” Dex is deliberate about his choice of show; Nursey is a sucker for nature documentaries and he falls asleep every single time they sit down to watch them without fail.

Nursey picks his head up, face illuminated with uncontained joy. “Did I just hear William Poindexter say _‘chill’?”_

“Answer the question.”

Nursey puffs his cheeks out. “Fine. Yes I will watch Planet Earth with you.” He clicks his tongue. “What kinda question even is that?”

Dex turns away to hide his smile from Nursey and busies himself with what he came here to do in the first place. He turns on the oven and digs out the electric mixer.

“What’re you making?” Nursey inquires, taking a sip of his tea.

“Butterscotch apple crumb cake. I got my mom to send me her recipe.”

“Chill.”

“As long as you’re not going anywhere, you can be the first to taste it.”

They both slide their gazes to the table. 

Nursey smiles wryly at the explosion of ink and paper. “Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be going anywhere anytime soon.”

“Let me know if I’m making too much noise.”

Nursey takes another sip of his tea. “Okay. Thank you, by the way. For this.” He holds up his mug.

“Oh, no problem. You looked like you needed it.”

A funny expression crosses Nursey’s face. “I appreciate it.”

In less than fifteen minutes, Dex has got his crumble ready to pop in the oven. It’s almost done pre-heating, so while he waits, he leans back against the counter and observes Nursey who, although under immense stress, makes English appear easy. From the outside, you’d never know that Nursey probably hasn’t gotten more than a total of twelve hours of sleep in the last three days, or that he was freaking out about this final. 

He just looks like a guy reviewing his notes and adding new thoughts to the old ones.

Dex pulls out his phone and sends Nursey a Snapchat of himself hunched over in his seat, face almost completely hidden by his book. Nursey’s phone buzzes and he shoots a sideways glance at it. When he sees who the notification is from, he frowns at Dex quizzically before opening it.

He rolls his eyes, accompanied by a tiny shake of his head, then gives Dex a dirty side-eye. He takes a picture of his book and sends it to Dex. 

Dex taps it, and Times New Roman fills his screen. A lumpy circle in green ink encases a few sentences, with an arrow pointing off to the margins where Nursey’s written “gay” in all capital letters.

Dex stifles a laugh and when he lifts his head, he sees Nursey smiling at him. 

The oven beeps, signaling that it’s done heating up, and Dex tears his eyes away to stick the apple crumble in. He sits on the countertop, watching Nursey plug away at his work. 

As the crumble bakes, a sweet aroma wafts through the kitchen, lazily exploring every inch of the room. The sun washes the Haus in a pure, bright glow that highlights Nursey’s features. A warm, serene feeling spreads through Dex’s body, syrupy slow and rich.

The realization hits Dex right in his solar plexus, knocking all the air out of his chest.

He is in love with Nursey.

  


__

* * *

  


Dex does not panic.

(He does a little, but it’s all internal.) 

He just quietly accepts that he’s felt this way for a long time, and lets sleeping dogs lie. No need to go messing around with something that’s fine how it is. 

_If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,_ as his uncles love to say. 

He likes where he is with Nursey. He likes being his friend and hanging out and playing hockey and doing things without needing to introduce something complicated and messy like feelings.

He’s got someone he can turn to who’s similar enough to understand him, while different enough to challenge him. He’d be a fool to tip the balance.

So he does what he does best and represses. 

(But it gets increasingly harder to ignore the lingering stares and the fond smiles and the way Nursey diminishes the size of their personal bubble, getting closer and closer and—)

They make it through finals with no sicknesses and kick back, grab a blanket to share, and lose themselves in David Attenborough’s narration complementing the dramatic, sweeping shots showcasing the beauties of nature.

As intended, Nursey’s eyelids droop and he relaxes deeper into the couch, until his eyes shut and he leans sideways, settling his head on Dex’s shoulder. 

(And if it takes Dex half of the next episode for his heart to return to its regular resting rate, no one has to know.)

  


__

* * *

  


Dex spends so much time making plans, he wonders why they like to fall apart so quickly. 

He’d been doing a good — dare he even say fantastic? — job keeping his feelings to himself. He’d made it through finals, through the post-finals nap, through winter break, and the very first week of the new semester before things go to shit.

He doesn’t hear the beginning of it. He’s walking through the Lake Quad on his way back to the Haus when he picks up the tail end of a sentence spoken by some guy he’s never seen before. 

“... he’s on the hockey team too. Should’ve known. Everyone’s up each other’s ass on that team.”

Dex freezes. He should just let it go. He’s been working on letting these things roll off his back, but it doesn’t seem fair that people are allowed to make statements like that, with no consideration or repercussions. Not when those statements sow themselves under people’s skin and remain rooted there long after they’ve been said.

“Yeah, he was in my World Literature class and we had to meet in these dumbass groups once a week and he wouldn’t shut up about like, gay shit or whatever.” 

Dex’s shoulders stiffen. There’s no doubt he’s talking about Nursey.

“What did you just say?” he says through gritted teeth.

The guy glances at Dex, unimpressed. “What, are you like, his friend or something?”

“We play hockey together.”

“Oh, so you, like, suck his dick too?”

The last thing Dex remembers is blood pounding in his ears and his hands curling into fists.

  


__

* * *

  


Dex _almost_ regrets it when Nursey shouts his name and drags him back to the Haus, eyes narrowed, jaw clenched. Almost, but not quite. 

Nursey doesn’t speak the entire walk back, but he twists his head around to peek at Dex periodically. Dex keeps his eyes trained on the sidewalk, not ready to confront Nursey’s burning disappointment head on.

Nursey throws the front door open, chucks off his shoes, and is back with a bag of frozen peas before Dex is finished removing his own shoes.

“Here,” he says, shaking the bag in front of Dex.

Dex takes it, gingerly holding it up to his face, and staggers as Nursey seizes his arm again and hauls him to his bathroom upstairs.

“C’mere.” He pats the counter. “Up. I’m gonna grab my first aid kit.” 

Dex obeys and hops up, grabbing onto the edge of the counter with one hand, keeping the frozen peas pressed firmly to his eye with the other. His legs dangle and he swings them back and forth before realizing how childish and silly he must look. He slows to a stop, but thankfully, Nursey hadn’t been there to see.

Nursey returns to the bathroom, first aid kit in hand, and places it next to Dex’s legs. He turns the tap on, starting to fill the sink with hot water, and stands in front of Dex, staring at him expectantly. Dex lowers his hand, his movement slow and calculated, letting the peas drop to the counter with a crunch. Both hands now grip the edge of the counter. Nursey’s still staring at him though, and Dex tilts his head in a questioning manner before he realizes what Nursey wants. He opens his legs enough to allow Nursey to take a step forward so their faces are inches away. 

“Hold still,” Nursey commands, grasping Dex’s chin between his thumb and forefinger, tilting his head back gently to get the light to shine more directly on his face. “Shit,” he says under his breath. “Dex.”

“It’s just a black eye,” Dex states. “It’s not like you haven’t seen one before. We play hockey.”

Nursey’s lips press together and Dex feels the urge to lean in and find out what it’d feel like if they were pressing against his. Nursey doesn’t bite back though. He merely reaches over to turn off the water, and dips a washcloth in it. His eyes dart away when he wrings out the excess water, but they return to Dex’s quickly. 

They remain balanced on the tightrope of their silence as Nursey wipes the delicate skin under Dex’s eye. Dex winces and concern flickers across Nursey’s face.

“You okay?” he murmurs. 

Dex nods. 

“I’m sorry. I’m trying to be gentle.”

“You’re doing fine.”

Nursey dips the rag into the water again, and uses a different corner to dab at Dex’s split lip. “Why’d you do it?” he says out of nowhere, pain evident in his voice.

“What?”

“You haven’t started a fight like that since freshman year.” 

Dex wants to look away, but Nursey holds fast to his chin. “He was talking about you,” he mumbles.

Nursey frowns, shifting his weight back and letting go of his face. “Dex—”

“He said a lot of shit and I.” Dex swallows and casts his eyes downward. “I wasn’t gonna let him get away with it.” 

Nursey’s mouth twitches. “You shouldn’t do that.”

“I know.”

“You could’ve gotten in a lot of trouble.”

“I know.”

“It’s not worth it.”

“That’s not true—”

“You’re an idiot,” Nursey states. 

“So I’ve been told.”

“It’s not worth _you getting hurt.”_ He presses harder on Dex’s lip. 

“Ow,” Dex says, even though it didn’t actually hurt that much.

Nursey’s brow softens and when his eyes meet Dex’s again, they’re filled with worry. “Sorry.” He wrings the washcloth out once more. “Stay here.”

He leaves with the dirty washcloth and Dex hears his footsteps going downstairs and the basement door creaking. After a few minutes, the bathroom door pushes open and Nursey walks back in. A crooked smile hangs on his lips, which is never a good sign.

“Your lips are super chapped Dex,” he says. “Like, it’s borderline disgusting.”

“Thanks,” Dex replies flatly.

“Luckily for you, skincare is one of my vices.” 

Nursey holds up a pink jar that he most likely ordered from Sephora and unscrews the lid. He dips his pointer finger in the balm and with his other hand, grabs Dex’s chin again, steadying his face. His eyes are anchored on Dex’s mouth, his fingers tracing the curve of his lips. He’s close enough that Dex can smell his cologne and a hint of cinnamon and see the dark circles under his eyes. 

Dex’s throat is dry when he tries to speak. Well, speak might be a bit of an exaggeration. He sucks a sharp breath into his already dry throat and Nursey’s head snaps up.

“Are you alright? Did I hurt you?”

“No.” Dex manages to choke out a strangled-sounding reply. When he swipes his tongue over his bottom lip he tastes blood.

Nursey’s perfect eyebrows knit together. “What’s wrong?”

“I—” _like you. I want to kiss you. I want you to kiss me. I do kinda wanna suck your dick. I wish you could sleep better right before tests. I want you to take me on the kinds of dates you always love to talk about. I want you to fuck me. I love you. I worry when you don’t sleep. I like the sound of your voice. I think you have really pretty eyes; I’ve gotten lost in them before._

He doesn’t say any of these things, of course. They never make it past the roadblock that is his tongue, too big and awkward and heavy in his mouth. 

Words have never been his thing — those are specially reserved for Nursey — but he does have the rest of himself. 

He brings his hands up to cup the sides of Nursey’s face, thumbs brushing over his beautiful, sharp cheekbones. He hopes, desperately, that this gesture will communicate what he can’t put into words.

Nursey swallows, crease forming between his brows, and Dex flicks his gaze to his lips. 

“Wh—” Nursey starts, then stops himself with a small smile and a shake of his head. His hands rest on the tops of Dex’s thighs and he leans forward, cautiously, giving Dex time to reject him or move out of the way, but Dex just closes his eyes as Nursey tilts his head and touches his mouth to Dex’s. 

It’s soft, barely more than a brush of their lips together, but it is the feeling of two hearts colliding that expels all the air in Dex’s lungs, leaving him dizzy and lightheaded. 

It is the feeling of a spark igniting in his chest that makes Dex’s heart beat wildly, even as Nursey pulls away, eyes still closed. 

Dex’s whole body is numb and tingling at the same time. An electric current runs through his veins, straight into his fingertips. He drapes his hands around the nape of Nursey’s neck.

Even in the shitty bathroom light, Dex detects the faintest hint of a blush dusting across Nursey’s cheeks. His eyes flutter open, and he blinks up at Dex through his eyelashes. 

“You…” Nursey rasps. 

Dex nods.

“Me?”

Dex rolls his eyes. “No Nurse. I just let you kiss me because I thought it’d be the perfect way to seal our friendship.”

Nursey scrunches up his face. “Don’t be an ass,” he says, but there’s no genuine offense in his voice.

“Yeah, but then what other role would I fill in our relationship?”

“You could be nice.”

Dex stares blankly at him. “You’ve lost me.”

“Shut up,” Nursey snorts. “You’re incorrigible.” 

“Thank you.”

“That’s not a compliment.” Nursey shakes his head and laughs so hard he snorts again. 

Dex wants to drink the sound, but the thought makes him feel stupid. Instead he swings his legs, kicking Nursey lightly. “So… now what?” 

It’s a familiar question; they’ve been here before, months ago, with a slightly different context, but with the same teetering uncertainty suspended over their heads.

Nursey bites his lip. “I guess... we could go on a date?”

“Yeah?” Dex’s grin is uneven, slanted to one side. “One of your certified, authentic Derek Nurse dates?”

“Mhmm.” Nursey squeezes Dex’s thighs. “But not until your face is healed. I wanna kiss you for real.”

“I’m sorry, is the taste of my blood in your mouth not Sexy and Romantic enough for you?” Dex clicks his tongue. “Richard Siken would be disappointed.”

Nursey’s mouth drops open. “Dex, you can read?”

Dex wrinkles his nose. “Shut up. You leave your stupid books everywhere. It’s a wonder I don’t toss them in the trash.”

“You would never.”

“How do you know?”

“Because you like me too much to do that.”

Dex’s eyebrows shoot up. “That’s bold of you to say given that you’re basing this on, hmm… nothing?”

“I’m a people person Dex. I know things.”

“Uh huh.”

“I’m right and you know it.”

“Don’t let it go to your head.”

“There’s nowhere else it could go.”

Dex’s cheeks hurt from smiling. Nursey’s grin mirrors his, except his is infinitely more brilliant. It’s the same one that ties Dex’s stomach in knots, that steals every thought drifting around his useless mind.

“You know,” Nursey says, a pensive glint in his eye. “I can’t kiss you on the lips, but I _can_ kiss you here.” He stands on his toes and kisses Dex’s forehead. “And here.” The tip of his nose. “And here.” The juncture where his jaw meets his neck.

“God, I love you,” Dex blurts out, and the floor beneath them shifts.

Nursey freezes. For a moment, it’s so silent Dex can only hear the sound of his own blood pumping in his head. Nursey stares at him like he’s a drowning man and Dex is his lifesaver. 

“Say it again,” he whispers, his expression completely unguarded and raw and craving. 

“I love you,” Dex repeats. “Derek Nurse I love you with all my crooked, bitter heart.”

Nursey _beams._ “I love you too.”

And when he tucks his face into Dex’s neck, breath sweet and hot on his skin as he laughs, Dex’s world feels right again.

**Author's Note:**

> yes it takes dex a long time to realize he’s big gay, and big gay for nursey, but listen. repression is a hell of a drug, and with a lot of denial and forced ignorance you too can feign heterosexuality. 
> 
> also i wanted to write something where dex’s parents weren’t super intolerant, and in fact were onto him for a long time because i default to having him struggle with his familial relationships and thought maybe it’d be nice for him to have a break for once lmao. 
> 
> (also also, super inconsequential detail, but the lip balm nursey has is the original laneige lip mask. not that it actually matters all that much, but i just thought you all should know hehe)
> 
> anyways, thank you all for reading! <3 
> 
> comments/kudos/bookmarks are always appreciated! :)
> 
> come say hi to me on tumblr [@omgdexnursey](https://omgdexnursey.tumblr.com/)


End file.
